so i’ve had an epiphany of sorts

the last four months, or at least the last 3 of the last four months, have been hell. i really never thought i could be so sad. when i was like 14 and my older sister got all crazy over guys like this and was raging away up in her bedroom, i would always roll my eyes and swear i would never be that way. hmm. so much for that. 

ok so if you’ve been with someone for over 2 years, you  know you tend to get pretty comfortable with the status quo. they can completely change and you can drift apart, and you’re just blind to it all. i mean, i know i just wanted to be happy with this person that i got used to loving and being with. so when they just “randomly” “for no reason” “out of the blue” end things, its pretty devastating. so there was 3 of the most pathetic months of my life right there. i honestly never want to see myself like that again.

so i had this epiphany the day before i left for London. we’re supposed to hang out one more time because i won’t see him until september (wah wah, how sad). 1. he makes it sound like it’s a huge chore to hang out with me. 2. he shows up looking like he just rolled out of bed, and generally doesn’t give a shit. 3. he’s kind of turned into a big dude bro. ouch.

and then i think back on all the horrible stuff he said to me that i overlooked in my desperation to be with him again. in so many words, i am going to be a terrible mother,  i’m not what he’s looking for in a wife, and i’m holding him back from his dreams of living in the middle east (where did that one come from??). well then. this guy isn’t looking all that fantastic anymore. this is not to say we didn’t have some great times over the last 2 and a half years. hes the first guy i really loved and he’s always going to be a good friend. i got to go to new hampshire a lot to see him, and that was cool. they have really good sandwiches at dartmouth.

yeah so i woke up with a new attitude and went to europe and learned a lot. and now i just want to go up and hug him because he had the balls to dump me on my ass. seriously, best decision ever made. we may have been right for each other at one point, but that point is long gone and we were just hanging on for some reason i haven’t figured out. so a big hearty thanks to you for not giving in to my crying and begging and overall ridiculousness, even though i know it was hard for you too.